The Mystical Ripping Gap Jeans

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Mr. Art Peck [Gap CEO]-

Like a hostage with Stockholm syndrome I continue to buy your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34.  Maybe I should change brands to Levi’s, 3 x 1 jeans, Polo, Everlane or any of the other jean companies I thought of cc’ing on this letter.  Given I have a “Phi Mu/Phi Kappa Psi Barndance 1997” T-shirt in better condition than your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34 jeans, perhaps I should abandon Gap jeans entirely and go to a leg covering made of khaki, velour, or corduroy?  Elvis wore jump suits and they never failed him.

My conundrum started about five years ago when I needed a new pair of jeans.  I had no brand loyalty when I picked up a pair of your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34. They fit well and seemed durable enough to withstand most common suburban dad situations such as telling kids to turn the lights off when leaving a room, coaching youth baseball, and using “parent” as verb.  Within several months of using your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34, I noticed a hole forming in the crotch area.  I attributed the rip to some externality such as a hooking my pants on a nail while getting the chainsaw out of the shed or some other masculine thing I do around the house to show my worth.  I proceeded to order another pair of your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34 online as a replacement.

Once again, the jeans performed as advertised until a similar hole formed near the seat of my pants.  Maybe this pair was faulty.  I bought another pair your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34.  I wish I could say I buy them as a value play even if they have to be replaced every few months, but the truth is I’m pretty lazy.  It is really easy to go online and order a pair of your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34 while watching Sweet Home Alabama with Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey for the tenth time than driving over to the local mall, walking into a Gap competitor, and finding a pair of jeans which will last longer than six months without ripping.

Since my 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34 buying spree started, with my first of at least six pairs, your stock price has fallen from $40 to $25 a share.  Meanwhile the S and P 500 has gained 52% and the Spider S and P Consumer Discretionary ETF [XLY] has gained 75% in the same period.  Selling multiple pairs of defective jeans to the same customer is not the answer to running a successful business.  I’m sure you can find reasons to blame Amazon, bitcoin, Trump winning the election, the 2017 solar eclipse, floss dance, the rise of Justin Bieber, NFL players kneeling, Zika virus, Fortnite, Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson’s breakup, Daddy’s Home movie franchise, the fall of Justin Bieber, and the Cubs winning the World Series for why your stock price dropped, but I’m sticking with poorly manufactured jeans.

I have enclosed a picture of four pairs of ripped jeans.  If you would like to examine them in your office with a crack team of your jean coroners so they can identify the source of these tears to prevent further dissatisfied customers of your 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34, please send me a self-addressed stamped box and I will return them to you.  I would give them to Goodwill, but if you were Goodwill, would you accept them as a donation? 

Sincerely,

Dude just looking for a pair of tear-proof 1969 Boot Cut jeans size 36×34

Enclosure

Holes in jeans were cool in the ’80’s. Not now.

About a week after mailing this letter, I received a mysterious email from Gap. It looked more like an email from a Nigerian prince requesting $50,000 than from a Fortune 500 company. Gap credited my credit card for a pair of jeans. I guess it is better than nothing, but I would have appreciated a personalized letter over some form email. Just a hunch here based on the response from Gap, but I’m guessing a lot of customers have problems with Gap jeans.

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