Carolers, mostly people rejected by the gratis church choir gig, are quickly shooed off your stoop so you can get back to your eggnog I.V. drip before passing out on the family sofa. Your family sings “Happy Birthday to Jesus” then attempts to blow out 2,000 candles on a birthday cake. Your aunt pumps so much sugar candy into your nephew that he hurls all over the green bean casserole saving everyone from pretending they like those goofy fried onion things. These things are all good Christmas. The biggest problem with Christmas is the gift giving, and this ruins the entire holiday.
Children are the only group of people deserving of gifts. They have no money. Their parents are in the process of going broke paying for their travel baseball teams, guitar lessons, and college applications. Buy them something cool like illegal fireworks, a used Porsche 911, or some other age inappropriate toy. You will piss off their parents, but the kids will deify your forever.
Adult gift giving is a waste of money, and more importantly, time. If you want to see the holy light, read this Bloomberg article.
SIDENOTE: If anyone needs a gift, it is Michael Bloomberg. That guy was mayor of a one of the biggest cities in the world for over a decade and was only paid $13.
How many times have you re-gifted a banal gift? Think of all the time that was invested in thinking of that gift. Then there was more time tied up in going to some tchotchke shop to buy it, figuring how to wrap the thing, and finally having the audacity to hand you something that you should have never unwrapped and simply scratched out your name and written “Uncle Louie” on it and re-gifted. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to give you a twenty-dollar bill and saved everyone hours of time, an uncomfortable exchange of “thank you” and forced smiles.
Sure, cash is a little tacky. It is rude and informal in the eyes of the gift pushers, but it gets the job done. Find someone that would rather get an in the box, never-been-used fondue set (value of $100 plus the aforementioned time suck) over a crisp Jackson right out of wallet and I will show you a schizophrenic. If you receive a fondue set, you’re going to put it in the basement next to your other unused fondue set that some guest bought for you off your wedding registry fifteen years prior. Keep the fondue set on the Wal-Mart shelf and make it rain right into my wallet.
White elephant gift exchanges are great. I rock at those. I’ve given away 2,000 pennies (stolen immediately), toilet paper (seriously, aside from people who wipe with their own hand in some third world country, everyone uses this stuff), and an Obama Chia Pet (this one goes out to all you Republicans). Practical gifts with real world applications are the secret to winning these exchanges.
Don’t get creative and think that someone really wants a never been used Dada themed appetizer tray you found on page fourteen of Craigslist. That thing is getting tossed out the car window as soon as the husband clears Grandma’s driveway on the way home. If you spend more than two minutes trying to think of a “great” gift idea, you overthought it and your gift will be as appreciated as a virgin Manhattan. If you must give a gift, stick to the basics of alcohol, cash, or toiletries.
“It is the thought that counts.” These are the six dumbest words ever strung together. If the thought really counted, no one would give physical gifts, everyone would just telepathically send you positive, up-lifting messages. Your head would echo with Tony Robbins on repeat until you gave yourself a lobotomy to stop the voices.
Christmas is an obligatory time of seeing relatives you only see on December 25. Keep Christmas simple: Don’t gift.